Down On The Idiot Farm
by Red Witch
Summary: Mallory attempts to assign another secret CIA courier mission, but her staff is too preoccupied by their own personal hang ups to do anything about it. Except of course annoy her.


**Someone stole the disclaimer that I don't own any Archer characters. Probably Cheryl. Just more madness that came out of my tiny mind about another mission that didn't go well.**

 **Down On The Idiot Farm**

" **Another** stupid courier mission?" Archer shouted at his mother in her office. "You're telling me I have to do another damn courier mission like I'm some kind of damn delivery boy?"

"I know. Since you did **so well** the last few times you did it," Mallory said sarcastically as she took a drink.

"Why do I always get sent on these rookie assignments?" Archer protested. "They're beneath me and you know it!"

"I'm not exactly thrilled about the CIA using our agency as their own personal branch of Federal Express but as long as they are paying the bills we'll do it!" Mallory shouted at him.

"I'm a highly trained secret agent!" Archer shouted. "Why do I have to do it? Can't you at least give this mission to Lana or Ray? Hell even Pam or Cyril would be more suited for this mission!"

"Because I promised Hawley that I'd send my best agent on this job and unfortunately that's you," Mallory grumbled as she took a drink from her always full glass. "Not that the bar is set extremely high in that regard…"

"I'm too good for rinky-dink missions like this!" Archer protested. "Hell a homing pigeon could do this job."

"Well since I don't **have** any homing pigeons I'll just have to settle for **you!"** Mallory snapped. "Not that you're much better than the other bird brains that work here!"

"Oh such faith you have in me," Archer mocked. "Just warms my heart."

"Damn it Sterling we need the money! For once I'd like to give you an assignment without you complaining about it! Even Lana doesn't whine as much as you have been lately!" Mallory snapped.

"Yeah and don't tell her I said this but I am starting to agree with her!" Archer pointed at his mother.

"Great. Not you too…" Mallory groaned.

"I'm not going to say it in front of the others but between you and me…" Archer began. "Or is it you and I? I always get those confused."

"Not surprising since you flunked English class at least ten times!" Mallory snapped. "It really says something when you can't figure out your own language!"

"Those teachers had it in for me," Archer waved.

"You had an English butler raising you and you still kept flunking!" Mallory went on.

"Blame Woodhouse for my spelling! You know the English get their spelling screwed up on purpose just to make them different than us Americans!" Archer snapped.

"Technically Sterling it's the other way around," Mallory groaned. "Which reminds me how many times you flunked your history classes."

"This isn't about me," Archer decided to change the subject.

"I swear Woodhouse and I spent more time with your teachers than you did," Mallory groaned. "Although I will concede that some of them were self-righteous sexist pricks."

"This is about all these stupid lame CIA missions that quite frankly aren't up to my high standards!" Archer barked.

"Since when do you have **standards?** " Mallory sneered. "God now you sound like your seventh grade prick of a teacher Mr. Snobgrass."

"More like Mr. Snob Ass…" Archer chuckled.

"I think I hated him the most of all," Mallory remembered. "Always looking down on me and making those little comments at the parent-teacher's meetings. 'You can't send your butler to a parent-teacher conference'. 'You should spend more time in the home where you belong.' 'Why does a woman need to carry a 44 Magnum with a laser scope in her purse?' What an asshole!"

"I hated that guy," Archer grumbled. "Always giving me detention for no reason."

"Why did you set his desk on fire again?" Mallory asked.

"It was an accident! I was only trying to set the tests on fire and it sort of spread," Archer admitted.

"So to get out of a test you set your tests on fire? How were you going to explain that?" Mallory asked.

"Spontaneous combustion," Archer said.

"That only works with people! Not tests!" Mallory snapped.

"Well I know that **now!** " Archer protested. "I didn't in the seventh grade!"

"So you were going to use the spontaneous combustion lie while setting a fire in front of your teacher…" Mallory began.

"No! He stepped out of the room and I got up, looked through his desk and set them on fire and all the kids in the class would back me up that the papers burned on their own," Archer explained.

"That makes more sense," Mallory nodded. "Wait no it doesn't. Why would the students in the class back you up?"

"Besides getting out of a test?" Archer asked. "I was the only person supplying them with booze and cigarettes."

"Where were you getting the cigarettes from?" Mallory asked. "I mean the booze I can understand. Boys need to learn how to drink but **cigarettes**? I never even smoked. Well at home anyway."

"Oh I had an in with the janitor," Archer waved. "I traded him some alcohol for cigarettes."

"Ah. That's clever," Mallory admitted. "Wait, no it wasn't! Is that where some of my good Scotch disappeared?"

"Mostly," Archer shrugged.

"You know you not only almost got expelled for that stunt you were almost unable to attend that damn lacrosse camp you loved so much," Mallory barked.

"One of the few camps you sent me to I actually enjoyed. Lucky for me Mr. Snob Ass had that accident with his car on the interstate that weekend," Archer admitted.

"Oh that was no accident!" Mallory scoffed.

"What?" Archer did a double take.

"So once again your Mommy had to pull your stupid ass from the fire you literally caused," Mallory sniffed as she poured herself another drink. "Ironically by indirectly setting a car on fire on the interstate."

"You're saying **you** …?" Archer gasped. "How?"

"It was surprisingly easy," Mallory shrugged. "That sexist Mr. Snob Ass didn't even think a woman should be allowed to drive. Well not only does this woman know how to drive she knows how to cut a brake line!"

"Oh my God…" Archer was stunned.

"See? Not only did you get a new teacher which you were able to tolerate, you got out of school for a few days!" Mallory was proud of herself. "And the charges were dropped and you were able to pass to the next grade thanks to that little bereavement clause the school had. You know, the one that says a student automatically gets an A if their teacher dies a violent death?"

Archer was stunned. "You're welcome," Mallory said right before she took a drink.

Mallory then went on. "Besides there was no way in hell I was going to have you moping around the apartment all summer. If you didn't go to camp it would have cramped my style. Not to mention I needed to give Woodhouse some much needed vacation time. And do a few errands for me so win-win!"

"Oh my…Wait! Is that also what happened to Mr. Xeres my Latin teacher?" Archer gasped. "The one with the food poisoning?"

"Guilty," Mallory grinned. "Thought a woman should stay at home and bake cookies all day did he? Ha! Yeah…I would have loved to see his fat face choke on those arsenic laced cookies I made! Well technically Woodhouse made them. I just supplied the poison."

"And Mr. Harris?" Archer gulped. "Who was found dead and without his pants in that rest area?"

"Another sexist jerk who thought I was an easy lay," Mallory snorted. "It was easier slipping in that poison into his drink making it look like he had a heart attack. And it was easy to dump his body unseen in that men's room. The hard part was physically dragging him in there."

"Why…?"

"Well Woodhouse was on one of my errands for some reason. I can't remember what right now," Mallory shrugged. "I know it was important. Something about my furs…"

"Mr. O'Larhey my guidance counselor?" Archer asked.

"So easy to fake a drunk driving death with the Irish," Mallory grinned. "I was so happy when they assigned you that nice Mr. West as your new guidance counselor. Much better and easier to work with. Not to mention the sex with him was phenomenal!"

"OH MY GOD!" Archer yelled.

"I heard a lot of **that** from him," Mallory snorted. "And with him under my proverbial thumb it was easier to get you into classes you could actually pass."

"I don't believe this," Archer groaned.

"Neither did I," Mallory said. "I was certain that I would have to kill your principal just so you could graduate!"

"My principal **did** die!" Archer shouted. "Was that you too?"

"No, that one was a freebee," Mallory waved. "The man should not have been eating a three thousand calorie breakfast sandwich while driving on the interstate. I mean the heart attack was enviable enough but still…"

"I can't believe I'm asking this but did you kill Scott Green's parents?" Archer asked. "You know the kid who was going to get my lacrosse scholarship before I did? The one whose parents died in that house fire and he had to move and…Oh my God! Did you kill them because of me?"

"Of course not!" Mallory waved. "The Greens were actually Russian sleeper agents. You getting Scott's scholarship just happened to be a bonus."

"Oh my God!" Archer moaned.

"Not that it did you any good anyway," Mallory waved. "What with you getting shot and all. And you probably would have lost it anyway due to your lousy grades. So once again you screwed up **my plans**!"

"Oh my God…" Archer moaned.

"Oh relax. Scott's fine," Mallory waved. "He wasn't exactly thrilled with the idea that his parents were Russian spies. And I was able to get him to a decent deprogrammer. And he's now a top agent in the CIA who hunts for Russian sleeper agents. So win-win. Which reminds me I should give him a call sometime."

"This explains a lot about my school days," Archer groaned.

"Yeah like how you passed high school in the first place!" Pam remarked from outside the door.

"PAM!" Both Mallory and Archer shouted.

"Hello!" Pam stuck her head in while eating a bear claw.

"Another one I wish would have a heart attack," Mallory groaned. "Or spontaneously combust."

"Oh like the rest of us can't hear you with the door open!" Cheryl was heard.

"God Damn it! Why doesn't the entire office just listen in on our private mission briefings?" Mallory shouted.

"We did!" Cheryl snorted with laughter as she stuck her head in.

"You hit star instead of pound again," Pam pointed out. "Everyone heard the whole thing on the intercom."

"GOD DAMN IT!" Mallory began to randomly hit buttons on her phone.

"Security systems offline…" A computer voice said.

"DAMN IT!" Mallory shouted, still pounding on the phone.

"Security systems shutdown for the next twelve hours," The computer went on.

"Stupid…Damn!" Mallory kept pounding.

"It's star, star, pound, star…" Ray said as he and the other members of the agency walked in.

"The day I need help from the Princess of the Cyborgs is…" Mallory snarled as she kept hitting.

"Countdown to activation of nerve gas canisters," The computer said.

"Uh oh…" Mallory wisely backed away. "KRIEGER!"

"Why would you connect the nerve gas to the phone?" Lana shouted.

"It sounded like a real time saving idea," Krieger shrugged. "Hey how did you know it was me?"

" **Who else** around here would be insane enough to do that?" Mallory shouted.

"That is a valid point," Krieger conceded.

"T-Minus four minutes," The computer spoke.

"Krieger! Shut it down!" Archer barked.

"Uh I kind of forgot the access code," Krieger gulped. "It's in my locker in the lab."

"No need. I remember it," Ray rolled his eyes as he hit the code in the phone. "You told me it just in case for emergencies like this."

"Countdown aborted," The computer said.

"You're welcome!" Ray snapped at Mallory.

"Fine your Royal Queenliness!" Mallory snapped. "Krieger I want you to disable that feature immediately!"

"Okay," Krieger said cheerfully.

"NOW!" Mallory shouted.

"Oh you want me to do it now?" Krieger blinked.

"YES!" Everyone shouted.

"Do it before Ms. Archer gasses us all!" Pam shouted.

"Which admittedly can't be much worse than the lethal toxins that expel from your body," Mallory snarled as Krieger went to work on the phone.

"Coming from a mass murderer that's quite the compliment," Pam quipped.

"It wasn't a mass murder! Those people didn't all die at the same time!" Mallory snapped.

"Okay so it was part of a set of serial killings!" Lana barked.

"Don't be so judgmental Miss Manners!" Mallory snapped. "Wait until your daughter goes to school and you have to attend your first PTA meeting. I guarantee after one meeting not only will you willingly want to murder some of those teachers, you'll want to kill off some of the parents too."

"Besides making us accessories after the fact is there **anything else** we should know?" Lana asked. "Like about the mission Archer is trying to get out of?"

"Because if he doesn't wanna do it I will!" Pam spoke up. "Hell I could use a few extra grand."

"Did you have to kill anyone for me to get into college?" Archer asked.

"No! I just slept with the dean," Mallory waved. "That was a waste of time. Not only did you flunk out, he was lousy in bed."

"This explains so much about your school days," Ray said to Archer.

"I know. Right?" Archer asked.

"Okay that should do it," Krieger finished with the phone.

Then the lights went out. "Oops," Krieger blinked. Fortunately it was still daytime so there was some light from the windows.

"I'm not even going to **ask** …" Mallory groaned. "Just fix this!"

"Got it!" Krieger said as he left to go fix it.

"Just when I think you people can't sink lower into the cesspit of incompetence and ineptitude…" Mallory gritted her teeth.

"You're the one who shut off the security systems," Pam pointed out.

"And almost set off the nerve gas," Cheryl added.

"I hate you people so much…" Mallory groaned. "You included Sterling!"

"So what exactly is the courier mission?" Ray sighed. "Because if Archer doesn't want to do it I might as well do it."

"She said if you were listening, and apparently you **were** …" Archer snapped. "That this was an assignment for her **best agent**!"

"In other words me," Lana folded her arms.

"WHAT?" Archer barked. "No! **I** am her best agent! I will do the mission!"

"Oh **now** you want to do this mission!" Mallory threw up her hands. "You know something Sterling? Perhaps you're right and this is beneath you?"

"No, no…I'll do it!" Archer protested.

"Only because Ray and Lana said they'll do it!" Pam scoffed. "Hey and you said that either me or Cyril could do this mission. So technically…"

"What exactly are we delivering?" Cyril asked. "Just papers right? I mean that sounds pretty harmless. I do that anyway."

"Me too!" Pam spoke up.

"What do you mean?" Archer barked.

"Who do you think mails and sends all the paperwork and tax files from this office in the first place?" Cyril asked. "Okay I admit I haven't sent much out lately but still…"

"Yeah and all those papers I send to different departments. Well used to send," Pam spoke up.

"So technically Pam and I are more qualified to be couriers than you are," Cyril said.

"He does have a point," Mallory frowned.

"WHAT?" Archer, Lana and Ray shouted.

"You can't be seriously thinking about sending either of those two out on a mission," Lana scoffed.

"It's delivering papers. Which as Sterling pointed out a **pigeon** could do! So why not these two bird brains?" Mallory pointed. "Which obviously frees up the three of you because it's beneath you Sterling."

Mallory looked at Lana. "And you **hate** doing anything CIA related and complain about it all the time!"

She then looked at Ray. "And _you_ …Well…Honestly I don't have a good retort other than the fact you annoy the hell out of me."

"I'm just the only guy here who saved us all from nerve gas you almost unleashed," Ray grumbled.

"Well I'm sure Krieger would have eventually done that too," Mallory shrugged. "I mean we did have four minutes to…"

CRACKLE! FIZZZ!

Just then the phone on Mallory's desk began to fizzle. And so did her computer. The lights flickered then went off again. And then Mallory's computer went down.

"KRIEGER!" Mallory shouted.

"SORRY!" Krieger shouted from outside the room.

"You were saying?" Ray remarked.

"Shut up," Mallory grumbled. "All right. Pam and Cyril you get the mission."

"WHAT?" Archer and Lana shouted.

"YAAAAYYY!" Pam clapped her hands.

"All right! How much does it pay?" Cyril asked.

"Not as much as you'd think," Mallory admitted.

"I'll still take it," Cyril said.

"You are not taking anything except maybe some space in the cemetery!" Archer barked.

"Well maybe this will teach you a lesson about complaining about missions?" Mallory snapped at her son.

"Yeah and this time Ms. Archer doesn't have to waste a guy to do it!" Pam quipped.

"Besides it's just a courier mission," Mallory waved. "All they have to do is go to the UN building at six. Pick up some papers from the contact. Then transport it to the secret CIA office in New York and boom! It's done!"

"What kind of papers exactly?" Lana asked.

"Secret papers! What do you care?" Pam snorted.

"I care because this sounds an awful lot like a set up by the CIA!" Lana said.

"Oh here we go with your conspiracy theories!" Mallory threw up her hands.

"Think about it. Why is the CIA sending us at a specific time to pick up papers that are top secret?" Lana asked.

"Uh it's called **punctuality** Lana?" Cyril gave her a look. "Maybe you've heard of it?"

"Have you heard of a **set up**?" Lana asked. "We all know the CIA has it out for us. What if this is a set up to somehow get us caught with secure information and the CIA can use it to shut this agency down?"

"That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard!" Mallory snorted.

"Yeah you're just saying that because we got this assignment and you didn't!" Pam scoffed.

"No, I'm not!" Lana barked.

"True Lana's not that petty. She's just being paranoid," Archer said.

"ARCHER!" Lana snapped. "You don't trust them either!"

"I never said that," Archer said.

"WE ALL HEARD YOU SAY THAT A FEW MINUTES AGO OVER THE DAMN INTERCOM!" Lana roared.

"Okay so I don't trust them," Archer shrugged. "All the more reason for an experienced agent like myself to do this mission."

"Which you thought was beneath you until someone else wanted to do it!" Ray pointed out.

"Correction, someone else was going to get **paid** to do it!" Cyril said.

"Enough!" Mallory shouted. "We're all going in circles here!"

"No, just Milton," Cheryl spoke up. "He's doing donuts in the break room."

"He makes donuts now?" Archer was shocked.

"No, he's doing donuts," Cheryl corrected. "As in going around in little circles."

"Oh. But that would be cool if he did make donuts," Archer said.

"He can do pop tarts," Pam said.

"Yeah but that's not the same thing," Archer said.

"He can also do English Muffins and corn muffins," Pam added.

"Don't forget those strudel things you can put in a toaster," Cyril said.

"Oh those are good!" Pam nodded. "Sometimes I like to have a few for dessert. Or a snack. Or lunch and a snack."

"I'm not saying the stuff Milton can toast isn't good," Archer said. "I'm just saying it would be better if he could make donuts too."

"That would be pretty nice if he did," Ray admitted.

"It would certainly save money on donut runs if he did," Cyril said.

"Okay as soon as Krieger finishes fixing the lights and stuff upgrading Milton is his next project!" Archer said.

"Don't forget the bear claws!" Pam spoke up.

"Yeah bear claws are definitely on the list," Archer agreed.

"I'm not running a spy agency," Mallory sat there stunned. "I'm running an **idiot farm!** And it's a **bumper crop** this year!"

"You mean a farm for idiots or growing idiots?" Cheryl asked confused.

"BOTH!" Mallory shouted. "You do realize that I am trying to assign you morons a mission here right?"

"I thought we were idiots," Cheryl asked.

"YOU'RE WHATEVER I SAY YOU ARE!" Mallory yelled. "Let me try to walk this through. And I will use **small words** so you won't get confused."

"That would be helpful," Cheryl nodded cheerfully.

"This is a spy agency," Mallory was trying to control her temper with very little success. "We do missions for the CIA. And in return the CIA pays us money. Money so this agency can continue to survive and I will not have to resort to burning it down with all of you in it for the insurance money! AM I CLEAR?"

"Waffles!" Cheryl spoke up.

 _"What?"_ Mallory growled.

"Milton can make waffles too!" Cheryl said. "Those Eggo ones."

"Oh I forgot all about Eggos," Ray said.

"So did I," Cyril said. "Those are always good. And they come in different flavors now."

"And they have the extra thick ones which really taste good," Archer agreed.

"Hey I got some in the freezer here," Pam said. "We could pop some in and…"

"AM I THE ONLY SANE PERSON LEFT IN THIS BUILDING?" Mallory shouted. "WILL YOU ALL STOP ARGUING ABOUT THE STUPID TOASTER?"

"Mallory's right," Lana spoke up. "We need to focus."

"Thank you Lana!" Mallory groaned. "It appears you have the brain cell today!"

"What we need to be discussing is what exactly these papers are and why the CIA needs us to deliver them," Lana said. "And how dangerous this could be for us."

"Oh god no! Give a rest Lana! Ugh! This again?" The others groaned in frustration.

"Which has now shut itself off from the rest of the world and is currently wearing a hat made up of tin foil so the aliens won't read its thoughts!" Mallory groaned.

"Aliens! What aliens?" Pam jumped.

"Oh no…" Cyril winced.

"Here we go…" Cheryl giggled.

"Mother I thought we agreed to not say the A word around Pam?" Archer pointed at Pam.

"What do you know about aliens?" Pam looked at Mallory with a wild look in her eyes.

"Pam, honey! You need to calm down now," Ray said gently.

"You remember ever since the Nellis incident Pam and Krieger have gone ET crazy!" Archer told Mallory.

"You know about aliens don't you?" Pam moved forward and grabbed Mallory by her shoulders. "Did they talk to you too?"

"Pam get your God damn bear claw covered meat hooks off of me!" Mallory tried to remove them. But without success. "Damn it! First Lana and now you! Does everyone here have monster strong hands?"

"Pam! Let go of my mother!" Archer barked.

"TELL ME ABOUT THE ALIENS!" Pam shook Mallory violently.

"AGGGGH! GET OFF OF ME!" Mallory shouted.

"Pam! Stop it! Pam! HA! HA! HA! HA!" Archer, Lana, Ray and Cyril pulled Pam off Mallory while Cheryl jumped up and down with glee.

"Pam!" Ray slapped her. "Get a grip!" He slapped her again. "You good?"

"One more," Pam sighed. Ray slapped her. "Okay. I went away for a second. I'm back now. It's just when I heard the world aliens…"

"She was talking about Mexicans Pam!" Archer lied. "Right Mother? Mexicans! Not the other kind!"

"I swear burning down this building for the insurance is looking better every day!" Mallory groaned as she took a drink.

"Uh yeah I wouldn't do that," Pam said. "We're not covered in case of fire."

"WHAT? HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?" Mallory shouted.

"Well we kind of missed a few payments when we closed down the agency and tried to run our own drug cartel," Pam admitted. "And then they sent us a letter saying that if we didn't renew some kind of lease we would lose our insurance."

"When was this letter?" Cyril was stunned.

"Well according to the date it was sent before we left for San Marcos," Pam shrugged. "And you know it's been in the mail room for quite a while so…"

"And since we haven't bothered to get our mail until recently…" Lana put it together.

"Yeah. This building isn't insured," Pam said. "I guess I should have told you sooner huh?"

Mallory looked like she was going to have a fit for a moment. Then she slumped in her seat. "So much for happy endings and pleasant dreams…" She moaned as she finished her drink.

"What's insurance again?" Cheryl spoke up.

"Idiots…" Mallory groaned. "Idiots all around me! Idiots to the right of me! Idiots to the left of me! Down into the Valley of Idiocy I have ridden!"

"Geeze what's your problem?" Cheryl asked.

"If only I had one!" Mallory snapped. "But I have **seven** big ones! AND THEY ARE ALL IDIOTS!"

"Mother I…" Archer began.

"And **you** …" Mallory glared at her son. "You are the biggest idiot of them all!"

"How is this my fault?" Archer shouted.

"If you had just accepted this mission without any complaints, I wouldn't be sitting in the dark having a conversation with **idiots**!" Mallory shouted. "My mind is made up! Cyril you and Pam are going on this mission! If only to get rid of two idiots that bug me today! Here! I printed out the mission parameters before Krieger blew up the computer!"

"I SAID I WAS SORRY!" Krieger was heard shouting.

"If you can see in this dim light you can read it and know where to go," Mallory handed Cyril the dossier.

"YES!" Pam cheered.

"Damn it!" Archer grumbled.

"Again, your own fault Sterling," Mallory sniffed. "That's what you get for complaining and not paying attention!"

"Hold on," Cyril held up his hand. "According to this file we have to be at the UN at 06:00."

"That's right," Mallory nodded. "Six O'clock so you'd better get a move on."

"Huh. You do know that this is military time right?" Cyril looked at the files.

"Yes obviously," Mallory waved.

"Which means we were supposed to be there at six in the **morning** ," Cyril went on.

"Six **AM?"** Mallory did a double take.

"Yeah this mission briefing came over the wire at four in the morning according to this paper," Cyril showed her.

"Four in the…What does the CIA think this is? A twenty four hour convenience store?" Mallory snapped.

"You didn't come in until nine," Cheryl pointed out.

"That's normal office hours!" Mallory snapped. "The CIA knows that!"

"And yet they purposely sent you the message at **four in the morning** ," Lana couldn't resist. "For a mission that began at six. Knowing you wouldn't see it until nine. Who's paranoid now?"

"Still you!" Mallory snapped.

"I dunno," Archer frowned. "Lana kind of does have a point."

"Oh don't **you** start!" Mallory snapped. "Okay you two hurry on down there…"

"Before you do can we check the news?" Lana sighed.

"What for?" Mallory snapped.

"I have a hunch," Lana sighed. "Pam check that app you have for news on your phone."

"I don't know why you're being so paranoid…" Mallory grumbled as Pam did as she was told.

"Look for anything related to the UN or papers…" Lana instructed.

"I don't see anything yet," Pam admitted.

"Ha! See?" Mallory grunted.

Then the lights went back on. "Oh now I do," Pam said cheerfully. "Here it is. UN interpreter caught with security papers."

"Called it!" Lana cheered.

"What?" Mallory snapped.

"Police apprehended a man this afternoon who had been reported suspicious behavior," Pam said. "The man provided credentials that he was a UN interpreter however not before the police discovered he was carrying classified documents on Spain, England, Germany and several other countries that he had no clearance for."

"I **knew** it!" Lana crowed.

"Wait if this was a set up for us to get caught why did the mission state whoever was supposed to show up, show up **early**?" Ray asked.

"There goes your conspiracy theory right there," Mallory said in a superior tone to Lana.

"It also proves that we blew this mission because **you** didn't give it out on time," Ray added as he looked at Mallory.

"Isn't there a man you're supposed to be under right now?" Mallory snapped.

"The guy was probably waiting for someone to show up all day," Pam realized. "Oops."

"So I'm guessing we're not going to get paid are we?" Cyril groaned.

"GET OUT!" Mallory screamed. "ALL OF YOU! GET OUT!"

"Geeze la rue we're going already!" Pam grumbled as they started to leave the room.

"I knew this was a waste of time," Archer threw up his hands.

"So sorry I wasted your valuable drinking time!" Mallory yelled.

"Right back at you Mother!" Archer snapped.

"And Pam!" Mallory shouted. "Get on the phone to the insurance company so we can get another policy!"

"Wait is that my job?" Pam realized as she put her head back into the office.

"Your job is whatever I tell you it is so **yes**!" Mallory shouted. "If it isn't how do you know about the insurance thing in the first place?"

"Eh, sometimes I read other people's mail around here," Pam admitted.

"Why does that not shock me?" Mallory grumbled. "Just get on the phone and call them to renew our policy!"

"What if they won't renew?" Pam asked.

"Then call another insurance agency until you get someone who will give us a policy!" Mallory shouted.

"Wait a minute what do I tell the insurance company what kind of office this is?" Pam asked. "Because something tells me if I say we're a spy agency they're not gonna take us seriously."

"I know the feeling," Lana called out.

"Welcome to my world," Archer agreed.

"Do I have to think of **everything** around here?" Mallory fumed. "I ask knowing the answer is yes because your collective IQ is lower than that of a kumquat!"

"So what do I…?" Pam began.

"Tell them we're a paper office or something plausible!" Mallory shouted. "But we need that insurance! Right now!"

FIZZZLE!

The lights then went out again. "Sorry! My bad!" Krieger shouted. "By the way don't freak out if you see something glowing running around the office."

"Because right now arson is looking like the only viable solution to our money crisis!" Mallory groaned.


End file.
